The Looney Tunes Players in: Bye Bye Bunny
by Swimming Poole
Summary: Presenting the Looney Tunes in their own wacky version of the beloved musical "Bye Bye Birdie", starring Porky & Petunie Pig as Albert Peterswine & Rosie Wowzerez, Lola Bunny as Kim MacAffur, and Bugs Bunny as Conrad Bunny! Chapter 4 just added, chapter 5 coming soon.
1. Chapter 1

The Looney Tunes Players in:

Bye Bye Bunny

One fine day in the 1950's, you know, time of sock-hops, Cadillacs, drive-ins of the restaurant and movie kinds, yadda-yadda etc. and all that, the AlMaeLou music corporation and house of pancakes had just received a call that would affect its future (cue drumroll)…FOREVER! The record label was losing its #1 performer, Conrad Bunny (Bugs Bunny), to the draft. Looks like it was up to Conrad's manager and AlMaeLou CEO, the affable Albert Peterswine (Porky Pig), to straighten things out…

"Um, I know that, s-sir" stammered Albert, "but th-th-think of wh-what d-d-d-disastrous effects it, eh, w-w-would ha-would have…just think about that kids! …Oh no, I'm n-n-n-not s-saying THAT, I mean eh-be-de, eh, eh-be-de…two weeks from to-today…at the in-in-indu…enrollment office, yes. He'll be there."

And with that, Albert sullenly hung up the phone and pressed his little snout onto the table. The office door slammed so loudly all of a sudden, Albert sprung to his feet as did the drooping marigolds by the window. It was Rose Wowzerez (Petunia Pig), Albert's faithful secretary.

"Oh Rosie" Albert cried, rushing over to her for comfort. "This is the en-en-end of A-A-AlMaeLou! Conrad Bunny is g-g-going in-in the, eh, he's been drafted…"

"AND your faithful secretary is submitting her resignation" Rose replied nonchalantly.

That got his attention quickly.

"WHAT?! My pills! My pills! Get me my p-p-p-pills! You know, the ones I, eh, take when-when-whenever I get stre-eh-be-deh-eh-stre-eh-be—eh, frazzled!"

Reaching into her pocket, Rose pulled out a bottle of 'Pig Pacifier' brand aspirin pills. Plucking one out of the bottle, she handed it over to Albert. He grimaced, noticing that it was a whole pill.

"N-not a WHOLE one, Rose! B-b-b-break it in ha-eh-be, eh, split it."

"You're 32 years old, you can take a whole aspirin!"

"I'm-I'm n-n-not 32, I'm a lo-long wa-wa-eh, I'm far from 32. I won't be 32 until…t-tomorrow!" He then giggled, "Oh, hehehe, happy b-b-birthday to me! Wonder what p-eh-be-presents I'm gonna get."

Rose still wasn't budging. She placed her resignation letter, a 400-page whopper of a paper, on his desk while Albert took his pill. As the pill hit his tummy, steam blew out of his ears and his head popped off his shoulders and bounced all over the room before slamming right back onto his body (cartoon actors, what do you expect?).

"My mind's made up, Albert. I've been with this crummy business for 8 years and you still don't see me as more than just a secretary. I want something more than that!"

"R-R-Rose, if you're ref-eh-ref-eh-be-speaking of something more p-p-permanent, the answer is n-no. I'm n-n-n-n-not ready. B-b-besides, there ARE reli-reli-eh-be-nationality differences."

"Since when did being Spanish have anything to do with anything?"

"And if it's p-eh-p-eh, a chunk of the-eh c-com-company, th-th-the answer is no to that, too! AlMaeLou is, eh, ME, Mama, and, eh, oh yes, Lou. Any change in th-that would ki-eh-ki-he, destroy that wonderful, eh, woman who b-b-bore me."

"Nothing can kill your mother, Albert. She took on an entire group of muggers with karate."

"And I won't d-d-d-drop-eh-forget p-p-poor old Lou either, he loved you."

"I loved Lou too. He was warm, lovable, but he died six years ago and besides, he was a loudmouthed mutt!" Rose pointed to a framed photo of the two of them with Lou (Charlie Dog), who was tightly hugging the stuffing out of the two less-than-happy pigs, with the caption "Man's #1 Friend" underneath the picture. "Anyway, it's not part of the company I want. It's something much more important…and less tacky."

Albert couldn't take it anymore.

"R-Rose, if you're g-going to d-eh-discuss what I th-think you're going to d-eh-discuss, I'm in n-n-no m-m-mood to, eh, d-eh-dis-eh-di- oh, it's no use!"

"What's there to discuss? Conrad's a war-bound hare, I quit, and your car is double-parked in front of Old Man Marley's jalopy. Think of this as your chance to give up the business, start anew and go back to college to get your teaching degree."

"ROSE! I'm up t-up t-, eh, drowning in debt, Conrad has a $50,000 g-g-eh, promise that I can't pay, and I've taken a s-s-se-eh-be-deh-se-be I've had too much aspirin…"

And with that, Albert sighed and sat flat on the floor with Rose looking down at him.

"Albert" Rose began, pulling him up from the floor, "this could be your last chance."

"Ok, fine…I t-t-tell you what, stick w-w-with me unti-until I can pay the g-eh-g-guarantee and once I'm out of the r-r-r-r-red, I'll d-d-d-di-di-eh-shutter the company and return to the ac-eh-teaching life!"

"Albert" Rose responded, "you're on!"

"Of course, it could take a f-f-few, eh, y-y-y-eh-quite some time…" Albert began; all the while Rosie was looking through a few files. She found one that sparked her interest and brought it over to the stuttering, rambling pig.

"Pick a name" she said, holding the file in front of his face. No response. "Ah forget it, I'll pick one myself."

She rummaged through the file, going through names upon names, until she stopped and picked one out of the blue:

"Kim MacAffur, president and recording secretary of the Conrad Bunny Fan Club #8,675,309 of Sweet Acme, Ohio."

As Rose began making the call to the operator, Albert rushed to her side, all confused.

"Wh-wh-what's all this, now? Who's K-K-Kim M-M-Mac-eh, whatever her name is?"

"Kim MacAffur is your one-way ticket out of here! Here, let me explain…"

Rose brought out a chalkboard and drew it all out:

"We write one last single for Conrad called "One Last Kiss", which we promote by having him sing it to this Kim girl right before he leaves for the army. Conrad kisses the girl in front of a million screaming teenagers. The single sells for a hefty number of simoleons afterward, enough for you to pay the guarantee AND your way through college, and everyone lives happily ever after!"

"Eh Rose, th-th-that's bri-eh-bri-eh-genius! And I p-p-prom-prom-eh, you have my word. Once this is all d-d-do-eh, over, it'll b-b-b-be just you and me in perfect h-harm-eh-bliss and eh-be-deh, wait a sec…b-b-bliss? K-eh-kiss? That rhymes!"

Brimming with newfound inspiration, Albert, pulled out a typewriter and started work writing the new song. Rose's piggy face beamed. This plan was going to be fool-proof from the way it looked right now…until the phone rang.

"Hello? Whaddya mean all the phones in Sweet Acme are busy? Kim just got pinned to WHO now?"

Needless to say, it was going to turn out to be a LOONEY experience for all…


	2. Chapter 2

Indeed, the entire youth population of Sweet Acme had been a buzz over the recent announcement that Kim MacAffur (Lola Bunny) had just been pinned to Hugo LePewbody (Pepe LePew). All the teen toons had been calling each other to spread the news:

"Hi Nancy" cried Helen ('So White' aka 'Coal Black').

"Hi Helen" Nancy (Red Riding Hood) responded.

"Have you heard about Hugo and Kim?"

"I heard they got pinned!" cried Penelope Ann (Penelope Pussycat).

"It won't last, not a prayer" lamented Deborah Sue (Daisy Lou Rabbit). "She's too cool, he's too square…and he smells."

Everyone kept calling everyone, all the while, one voice kept getting louder and louder until he muscled in on everyone:

"Hello? Hello? HELLO? WHAT'STH EVERYONE TALKING ABOUT?!"

It was Daffy Johnson (Daffy Duck), the town's resident dork of a duck.

"Jeezth, what'sth a sthar gotta do to be heard amongsth thisth drivel? Oh brother…"

Seeing there was someone else on the line, he quickly attempted to stir his own conversation about the topic.

"Hi there! Daffy Johnsthon, Junior-Sthenior reporter of the Sthweet Acme Blabbermouth tabloidsth, here to give you the exthclusthive sthcoop on one Kim MacAffur and her romantic roundabout with one repugnant sthkunk named Hugo!"

"Who. Is. This?!" growled the voice of the complete stranger on the other line (Gossamer).

"Whoopsth" squeaked a mortified Daffy, "wrong number!" He then hung up and ran crying for mother.

Meanwhile, at the home of the girl rabbit in question, Kim had just been phoned by her best friend and major Conrad Bunny fan, Ursula Mallard (Melissa Mallard).

"Kim MacAffur" scolded Ursula, "what do you mean you're resigning from the fan club? I understand going steady with Hugo is important, but there are things that are VERY important, and the Conrad Bunny Fan Club is one of them!"

"I'm sorry, Ursula" Kim replied, "but I'm 17 now and it's time for me to settle down. I mean of course I'll play his records, but things like the 'Conrad Bunny Pledge' and screaming my tail off are past me."

"Hold on there! …you're giving up the scream? You're saying that whenever Conrad Bunny appears anywhere, you're not gonna go…" At that point, Ursula let out a shriek loud enough to shatter glass and wake up every last infant in town. "Sorry!" she cried out her window to all the lives she disrupted.

I hope all the other girls will understand" Kim said, "You'll tell them, won't you?"

"I suppose I'll HAVE to…but really, are you sure?"

"I'm sure, it's time for this young toon to ease off on being looney and settle down with the boy she loves."

With that, Kim said her goodbyes and pushed away Ursula's side of the split-screen phone call to have all the time to herself as she started dressing up in her boyfriend's old clothes.

"How lovely to be a woman" she said to herself. Leering at the fourth wall, she held up a sign saying 'a little comic irony never hurt anyone'.

Meanwhile, downstairs, the rest of the MacAffur family was biding their business. Mrs. MacAffur (Ma Bear) was washing dishes with her trademark frumpy posture and seemingly passive face. Mr. MacAffur (Henry "Pa" Bear) was reading his paper and grumbling to himself. And lastly, oversized little boy Randolph (Junyer Bear) was working on a model plane, which would look like it would in the ad had he even paid any attention to the instructions.

"Dah, oh boy oh boy!" shouted Randolph, "my latest model is com-puh-leted!"

He thrust his model wreck into the face of his father, only to have it play victim to the short bear's even shorter temper and be swatted away onto the floor into pieces.

While the father and son exhibited their dysfunctional relationship, the phone rang only to be answered by the family's matriarch.

"Hello?" she asked. "Mmhmm, ok. I'll tell her…Oh, Kim?"

"What is it?" Kim answered, descending the staircase.

"There's a pig lady on the line for you, she's been trying to reach you for three quarters of an hour."

Kim grabbed the phone from the mother bear's paw. "Thank you, Doris."

"Of course, she could've easily said forty-five minutes, which is basically three quart-what did you just call me?"

"She said 'thank you, Doris'!" Randolph called out.

"Ah shaddap!" Mr. MacAffur interjected, bopping the large-little boy on his noggin with the paper. "She wasn't talking to you."

"Don't be surprised" Kim explained, "it's modern for kids my age to address their parents by their first name. It makes them feel more like pals!"

"Why don't you just call me 'mom'?" asked Mrs. MacAffur.

"Yeah" Randolph added, "that's modern!"

"Sorry" said Kim, "but times are changing and you have to keep up with them or else be left in the dust with all the other old folk."

"Hmph" grumbled Mr. MacAffur. "I'm not an old man; I was 19 during World War 2!"

"Yes?" Kim continued on the phone. "Nice, sounds good. Ok, take care." She then hung up.

"Dah, who was that?" Randolph asked.

"Oh, Conrad Bunny is coming to kiss me…" Kim casually replied.

She was about to go back up to her room when the full weight of the situation hit her like an anvil to the head, which, this being the Looney Tunes, isn't out of the ordinary to say the least.

"…Doris?" she quietly called out. No response.

"Mother?" she said a little louder. Still no response.

She then took out a bullhorn and cried "MAMA!" as she zipped into her mother's arms.

"Oh, what is it, dear?" Mrs. MacAffur doted over her weeping rabbit daughter.

"It's Conrad Bunny, Mama! He's coming to Sweet Acme to kiss me goodbye! Oh Mama! Oh Mama!"

Mrs. MacAffur was beside herself upon hearing this news.

"Never thought I'd say this, but thank heavens for Conrad Bunny!"

Mr. MacAffur was less pleased hearing this news, as he began whacking himself on the head with his own paper while Kim, Randolph, and their mother all cheered and cried in celebration.


	3. Chapter 3

The following day, it was a busy day at the train station. Albert was busy organizing a number of rabid Conrad Bunny fan girls who were to sing the official fan club song as part of the inevitable newspaper publicity that was to arise once Conrad made his grand entrance at the station (AND in this story).

"Alright girls" Albert began, "you re-eh-re-re-eh-be-deh-memorize the lyrics?"

They nodded and sang the song until one girl sullenly slunk away from the group to mope. Concerned, Albert went over to comfort her.

"Wha-what's your p-eh-p-prob-eh your story?"

"I'm sad" moaned the little girl. "Conrad Bunny's going into the army and I may be too old for him once he gets out."

"Imp-eh-imp-eh-be-eh nonsense! We cartoon characters never age! We're ag-eh-age-eh-be-deh-age-eh we never get old!"

Seeing as his assuring words alluding to the agelessness of the Toon race had no effect on the poor child, Albert did his best to be more assertive.

"Little g-eh litt-eh-beh young lady! This is an adult speaking! I order you to smile!"

No response.

"Eh…please?"

"SHADDUP AND LET ME JUST WEEP IT OUT!" the girl shouted at the top of her lungs. Her loudness blew him away toward the other girls.

"Eh-be what a grump!" Albert grumbled as he got up and addressed the other girls once again. "N-n-now girls, eh why don't you go g-eh-get some ice cream before Conrad g-eh-gets to the eh-gets to eh arrives?"

The girls cheered and stampeded all over the hapless pig. All the while, a pile full of luggage came swaggering Albert's way.

"Oh good" Albert said as he got up and noticed, "bring-eh-bring the-eh deliver those to track 29, ok?"

The luggage pile threw itself all over Albert, revealing it was Rose carrying it the whole time.

"Oh, eh, Rose. What-eh what were you doing?"

"Getting our stuff down to the tracks, without any help from you. WHAT DOES IT LOOK LIKE, YOU BUM?!" Rose yelled.

Having been yelled at once before a minute ago, Albert wasn't pleased.

"Anyway, where were you?"

"I was pre-eh-readying the girls…and waiting for Mama…"

"WHAT? You mean you haven't told her about quitting the company yet?"

"No, today is the anniversary of Lou's d-eh-dea-eh-passing."

At that moment, a large "YOO-HOO!" filled the building, gaining everyone's attention.

"She's here…"

Mama Mae Peterswine (Granny) came shuffling through the crowd, wearing her best fur coat. Tailgating right behind her was a large memorial dedicated to the dearly departed dog Lou, pushed by an embittered Sylvester the Cat as a much less miffed Tweety Pie flew nearby.

"Oh yeah" Sylvester grumbled to himself, "Why pay attention to your cat and bird when you can clamor over a dead topic of a dog?"

Tweety perched right onto his big red nose.

"Aw, did the putty tat want a bigger wole in the stawy?" he chirped in a playfully taunting manner. "Dat's showbiz!"

As per expected, this enticed Sylvester to chase Tweety around as Mae and Albert spoke.

"Sonny!" Mae cried.

"Mama!" Albert cried.

"Albert…" Rose muttered in Albert's ear.

"Oh, eh-that's right. Mama, I have something to, eh, say-eh-to tell you."

"What is it, my little piggy-link?" Mae doted. "Surely it isn't anything that would break your dear mother's old heart."

"Well…" Albert began, looking over his shoulder at an impatient Rose. "It's about the company…and somewhat eh-about Lou too…"

"LOU!" Mae cried out, "Why did it have to be YOU, Lou? Struck down in the peak of your life! Oh, how I loved you."

Upon hearing that, Sylvester was wound up to no end and lunged at Tweety, who was hovering over the train tracks. The tiny yellow bird darted out of the way and onto Mae's shoulder. Poor Sylvester wasn't as lucky, as an oncoming train parked its caboose onto the tracks he was on.

"Well" Sylvester groaned weakly under the train, "I sthill have at leastht five of my nine livesth left…"

Back to Mae and Albert.

"Now that that's all done with, what was it you were gonna tell me?" Mama Peterswine asked.

"Oh yes, eh, Rose and I were, eh, thinking of, eh, dis-eh-dissolving-eh…ending the company!"

Mae, having already established herself as an elderly drama queen, began to grow faint.

"Mama!" Albert cried, "What's wrong?"

"Nothing" she replied, "you just killed me is all. I'm coming Lou!"

Albert had enough.

"Oh kno-knock-eh cut the melodrama and take the subway home like the way you c-c-ame-eh arrived!"

"Oh I didn't take the subway, I took a taxi. Here's the money I saved by doing so."

Mae gave Albert a few coins and started to go off, much like the sad girl from before.

"Wear your rubber boots when it rains…" she called out. "And keep your money in your inside pocket…if you have any…and eat a hot lunch and dinner…and…"

"OKAY! HE GETS IT!" Rose shouted out.

With Mae out of the picture, for now, Rose turned to Albert.

"Why couldn't you just let it out softly?"

"Eh, it was the-eh heat of the moment? Hehe…"

At that moment, another commotion was erupting. This time, HE was coming. A burrow trail was crawling through the screaming crowds before stopping around track 29 where Albert and Rosie were waiting along with a zillion screeching fans and eager news reporters. Once the burrow trail stopped, out popped the tall, gray, and haresome one himself: Conrad Bunny (Bugs Bunny)!

"Eh, sorry I'm late" Conrad began. "I just took a wrong toin at Albercoique."

Instantly, all the reporters were hounding him for interviews. Before they could completely smother him, Albert intervened and cried:

"Look, it's the Abominable Snowman!"

And as luck would have it, the Abominable Snowman (Hugo the Abominable Snowman) was right behind the mob.

"And there's a rabbit for me to hug and cuddle forever and ever!" said the snowy giant as he stomped over the crowd and tried to squeeze the stuffing out of the celebrity rabbit.

Barely escaping with his ears intact, Conrad grabbed the two pigs and high-tailed it, literally, onto the train and closed the doors. The train took off as the press (and the Snowman) waved goodbye. And with that, the train and its Looney passengers were on their way to Sweet Acme, while Sylvester and Tweety ran after it, fearing they'd be left behind.

"Sthufferin' Sthuccotash!" Sylverster exclaimed, "talk about being RAILROADED!"


	4. Chapter 4

Once the train made it to Sweet Acme, 99 ½% of the population was at the tracks, eager to see Conrad descend the vehicle. Albert and Rosie were, of course, there to accompany him and make sure things didn't get out of hand. (They were lucky, at least. Imagine how things would have been if this were done around RABBIT SEASON!)

Ursula was the first to address him:

"Conrad Bunny, welcome to Sweet Acme! I'd like to introduce you to the…lucky…girl who you've chosen to bestow your final kiss upon." She pushed Kim in front of her, "Kim McAffur!"

Once Kim set her baby blue eyes on Conrad, they lit up like two Christmas trees and all she said two chapters ago about her giving up her love of the rabbit singer was completely erased. She led the other girls in the "Conrad Birdie official pledge™". After that was said and done, everyone press and all ran over to the Town Hall where the Mayor was waiting, everyone except Hugo LePewbody (Pepe LePew), who was moping behind the crowd when he saw Kim and friends run by.

"Kim" he cried out, "can I speak wit vous for a minute, yes?"

"Right now?" she replied, "We're in quite a hurry…"

The Roadrunner instantly ran past them, leaving them in a cloud of dust.

"Okay, *cough* maybe not *cough-cough* like HIM!"

"I don't tink so, zis is tres important! Mon amore is at stake here tanks to zat monsieur Conrad Bunny!"

"Hugo LePewbody!" Deborah Sue said, "I think you're jealous of Conrad Bunny!"

"Oh no, I am not jealous…I am VERY jealous! Kim is my steady, after all."

Kim put her arms around the French skunk's shoulders.

"That's just it, I'm you're steady. Conrad is more like…a childhood hero to me! Nothing truly romantic or anything…hopefully."

"You're not saying zat just to make moi feel better, no?"

"Of course not, we're steadies. And steadies are forever…"

Kim and the others were about to sing when suddenly they were interrupted by a rather tiny, and equally as hurry-some, Conrad fan (Speedy Gonzales).

"Chicas! Senior Bunny eez at City Hall! Epa Epa, Andale! Yeeeha!"

Taking the hint, Kim and the girls began to go off. Kim gave Hugo a small kiss on the nose before leaving.

Rose was watching all this from a distance as she struggled with the handcart full of luggage. She sighed to herself.

"Someday, Albert, we will finally live in peaceful love…"

"Eh, l-l-live where?"

Rose turned around and saw Albert, who didn't completely hear what she said as he carried his one parcel case.

"Nothing" she replied, "now let's get to City Hall before the Mayor finishes his speech."

They zoomed off like everyone else as one last toon just stared, it was Cecil Tortoise.

"Everyone in a rush today, I see" he humbly remarked. "Don't they know that 'slow but steady' wins the race?"

He then rocketed off to City Hall at lightning speed.


End file.
